Appeasing our Monsters
by littlerien
Summary: A refugee to Bah Sing Se tells of her journey through the war. Rated T for darker themes. AU, mostly OC.
1. Chapter 1

_These are the times that try men's souls... ~Thomas Payne_  
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The great stone walls of the city were massive, imposing, and they blocked out the sun as we passed through the city's gates for the first time. I could feel my heart beating against my chest. This place was going to be safe. Inside these walls, we wouldn't have to worry about the war, or the death, or be afraid ever again. There was no war in Bah Sing Se.

I had come from a small village in what was once a verdant, thriving forest on the banks of a small river. Life had been simple, but it was a good life. We tended our gardens, we sold our wares, people were kind, and neighbours were also friends. But there was a shadow creeping closer to our little hamlet day by day, and it reached its dark fingers into everyone's lives. The young men of the village left first, off to war as brave soldiers, fighting the noble fight. When the young men didn't come home, the older men left. Then came the lists.

The lists were posted every day. They contained names of people we knew, had grown up with, been friends with. There were lists of the dead, of the wounded, and of the missing. Those left behind would scramble to the lists every morning to scan for names they knew, holding their breaths and praying they found none. Someone always did. Eventually people would stop looking, but the lists never stopped coming.

Word came to us daily of one town or another that was seized or razed, and the rumours flew as to which direction the war would turn and which town would be next. In the mornings, we had gray, melancholy skies, and ash wafted on the breeze no matter which direction the wind blew from.

As the winter approached, those few of us left began to flee the town. The air was beginning to crow chill and the golden leaves on the trees were just beginning to fall when I followed the example of so many of my friends and neighbours and I left my beloved hometown. I can't recall how many days I walked or how long I was on the road. There were no landmarks along the way to guide us, and we had to be ever vigilant for Fire Nation soldiers. The slightest rumour of a patrol or guard station set us on a winding, circuitous route in a desperate bid to avoid capture. The journey took us months, and the spirits of winter were not kind.

I couldn't tell you when we arrived at Full Moon Bay. All I remember is the first glimpse of it was as disheartening as it was terrifying. This was no shining refuge. The halls were choked with the malnourished, staggering bodies of thousands of refugees. Everywhere people pressed against each other. They seemed to move without thought or purpose, as nothing more than a writhing mass. The docks were overcrowded, exceeding their capacities by the hundreds. Every few minutes, a ferry would dock and the starving, exhausted crowd would erupt in shouts as the refugees spilled onto its decks, shoving past each other and waving tickets and passports as they desperately tried to reach the safety of the walled city.

After so many months braving the dangers of a war-torn wilderness, I was reluctant to bid farewell to my traveling companions, but we all agreed that we stood a better chance of getting into the city as individuals rather than a group. I wept in silence as I embraced each of them tightly before watching them disappear into the mammoth crowd, sure I would never see any of them again.

All refugees were made to register before they could enter the city. In exchange for my name they issued me a visa with refugee status and assigned me to a room in the refugee quarters of the city's Lower Ring. My name was also placed into the logs of the many workers' programs, though I was informed that it was doubtful that anything would be available. The final seal on my refugee status was the green tape they tied around my wrist, signaling that I was authorized to enter the city. The haggard looking girl behind the window handed me my paperwork, and I was left to my own devices.

It took me nearly a week to actually make it onto a ferry. The harried, fatigued crowd I had seen upon arrival had begun the view the wait as an unending succession of hope and denial, and when a ferry left the dock filled to less than half capacity, the mob had erupted into full-scale riots. The authorities had been called in to quell the disturbances, soldiers and police flooding the already overcrowded docks. People had panicked, jumping into the waters of the bay and setting fire to one of the ferries, all the while throwing great chunks of earth and whatever projectiles they could find at the authorities. By the end of it all, over a hundred people were dead or injured, and the teeming, frantic mob of before was beaten into reluctant submission.

From that point on, the refugees were strictly policed. Groups of no more than one hundred were allowed to enter the city at one time, making a frustrating situation all the more unbearable. By the time I made it onto a ferry and was headed toward the city, the refugees on the docks were on the verge of another round of riots, and I felt a surge of pity for the guards that would have to deal with the new wave of violence.

The ferry ride into the city was like a dream. The refugees on the ferry were all quiet and peaceful, a far cry from the dangerous horde that had been on the dock. No one really spoke or moved, or made a sound except for the occasional sob. When we arrived inside the city we were directed to the processing station, where our paperwork was stamped and we were sorted and led to the monorail. With great anticipation, I stepped foot into the Lower Ring, my new home, and took a deep breath of the spicy, delicious city air.


	2. Chapter 2

Every night I say a prayer in the hopes that there's a heaven  
Everyday I'm more confused, as the saints turn into sinners  
All the heroes and legends I knew as a child have turned into idols of clay  
And I feel this empty place inside, so afraid that I've lost my way

_~Styx  
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The room I had been assigned was in a large, nondescript building near the monorail platform. It may have been a townhouse in better times, but the inside had been gutted and rebuilt, the rooms little more than cubicles. I had a bed, a small table, and a chair. I was lucky enough not to have a large enough room that I was made to share it with others, though.

All the refugee quarters were located in the Lower Ring of the city. At first I had thought that I had left the chaos of Full Moon Bay behind me, but soon it became clear that the Lower Ring was just a different breed of bedlam. People were packed into the narrow streets almost as tightly as they had been in the bay. The injured spilled out of the triage centers that had been set up on every corner and in every alley, and the city reeked of a strange mixture of spices and blood. Many of my fellow travelers had gagged on their first breaths of the city's air, but after a few days the sickly sweet odour became commonplace, and not entirely unbearable.

Though food was abundant enough, thanks almost entirely to the agricultural ring that existed between the city's inner and outer walls, other provisions were in short supply. In the early days of the conflict there had been a thriving black market where one could buy anything from shining silk gowns to cutting edge weapons. As the war dragged on and passage into and out of the city became more strictly controlled, even the black market had begun to dry up. The Dai Li had a tight fist around the Lower Ring, and contraband was strictly prohibited. What more could you possible want besides a ration card and roof over your head, anyway?

Each day brought a new flood of refugees into the city, and they brought new waves of restlessness with them. Resources across the city were taxed. Medical facilities ran out of beds and bandages, food stores ran out of grain. Small riots erupted here and there, but because of the ever-present Dai Li, they were quickly dispersed. The riots were always staged by the newly arrived. They still had passion and defiance in their souls. But eventually, everyone that entered into Bah Sing Se would submit to the order and bureaucracy that held the city together with fine, invisible threads.

It was two months before I came to settle into a routine. The work placement program had assigned me a job in the manufacturing sector, in a gray, lifeless building that created equally dead machines. "Are these machines for the war effort?" I had asked. The attendant at the labour office had frozen solid, but only for an instant, before returning to the repetitive stamping of papers. When he looked back up at me, he wore a mask of false cheer, and replied, "Of course not. There's no war in Bah Sing Se."

It was the mantra of the city. No one mentioned the war, not even in whispers. The entire city was populated with the displaced children of the war, but we were all citizens of Bah Sing Se now, a shining, impenetrable fortress. Whenever someone questioned our safety or our supremacy, a new round of propaganda would flood the streets. The authorities would manufacture rumours that the Fire Nation had been repelled, yet again, by the might of the Earth Kingdom's defenses. We were a supreme force in the world, a strong, superior, valiant kingdom, and there was nothing to fear, and the whispers would die away.

If they didn't, the whisperers would disappear. Then, no one would speak of anything at all.

One can become accustomed to these things. We simply didn't speak of the war, or cause any sort of disturbance. We kept to the routines that had been assigned to us, the days blurring together. Work, grain, sleep, work. We gave up hope of hearing any news of the outside world, of any family left behind or updates on the war. We slipped into a quiet anonymity, just another face in a city of millions. Eventually the buildings in my section of the city became too full to take in any more, and then even the scattered fragments of news we had from new arrivals ceased. We were truly isolated.

Our section of the city was called Section 21, and when it was closed to further refugee placement, things quieted down considerably. The unrest moved into Section 22, and life became calm and established.

I made friends with some of the other people in my building. There was a young couple from Omashu, named Shu and Mei, and a girl named Sun-Lee who came from a village only a few miles from my own. We would while away hours in the nearest teashop, our favourite haunt, or, if we wanted to speak of more verboten subjects, such as the war or the oppression by the Dai Li, we would pile into Shu and Mei's apartment, which was slightly larger to accommodate the couple. We bonded over rice wine and stout, bitter tea, and we would argue late into the night about everything and nothing. It was wonderful to be able to speak openly of the offenses around us. We raged about the Dai Li and the disappearances, arguing drunkenly of whether or not we should revolt. Shu said that we should. "If we had known that we would be shackled to this city like dogs, we would have taken our chances against the Fire Nation!" he would yell. "At least then we could die with honour instead of rotting away like cowards!" He railed against Dai Li authoritarianism, and we all joined in with him. There were no hushed whispers in that room, no quiet submission. In that room we were rebels, outraged renegades, and we were free.

The spring of that year was a blur of rice wine and good-natured squabbles. The four of us devoured the warming nights with talk and drink. We believed in each other, in friendship, and alcohol, in the stars, in running barefoot, in shouting wildly. Looking at it now, we were still unhappy, but for a time, in each other's company, we were able to forget that.

We had grand ideas for ourselves and for those around us, and we were at odds with the reality of our helplessness. We hated that we were letting others dictate our existence, so we made little disturbances for the authorities. Shu was arrested twice, and even I spent a night wedged into an overcrowded jail cell. I wanted to shout at the guards and be as defiant as Shu, but I kept my mouth shut for fear of being carted off by the Dai Li. For all our bold ranting against them, they still terrified us.

In the early summer, an older couple on the third floor of our building moved to the Middle Ring, and a young man and his uncle moved into their old flat. He was a quiet person, with a permanent scowl and a scar on one side of his face, which he attempted to hide behind a curtain of hair. His name was Li, and though I didn't know it at the time, he was the most dangerous person in the Lower Ring.


	3. Chapter 3

_All your struggles beneath your disguise_  
_ Drink from the reasons that hold you alive_  
_ 'Til we're safe from the wounds of desire and pain_  
_ You must rise from the mounds of desire and change_

~The Smashing Pumpkins

* * *

I didn't notice Li and Mushi's arrival at first. They kept to themselves, lived two floors above the rest of us, and hardly ventured out of the building. Li, especially, was very shielded, regarding everyone suspiciously. His eyes would dart from one face to another in a crowd, and he would slink from shadow to shadow. More than once, he became the subject of our drunken banter. We spun wild scenarios of who the duo might be, and the more we drank the more outlandish our tales became.

It wasn't until they started working at our favourite teashop that we actually spoke to them. "Holy hell, what's happened to the tea?" Shu had yelled.

"Why, what's wrong with it?" Sun-Lee snatched the cup away from him and took a deep swig. Curiosity got the better of us all, and we ended up draining Shu's cup. The tea was usually a dark green, bitter concoction more akin to medicine than anything remotely refreshing. Now it was a sparkling golden elixir that smelt of jasmine and tasted like honey. It was delicious.

"This is terrible," Sun-Lee declared. "The price of this tea is going to skyrocket."

"You, waiter!" Shu waved his empty cup in the direction of the kitchen. "What happened to Chang? Who do you have back there now?"

The waiter glowered at us, the grip on his tea tray tightening slightly. The owner came careening around the corner at the raised voices. "Is there something wrong? Is something not to your liking, sir?"

"Who is making this tea now?" Shu was waving his cup around wildly. He had obviously beaten the rest of us to the rice wine before meeting us up.

"That would be Mushi, our newest hand." A portly, gray haired fellow peeked out of the kitchen and waved merrily at us.

"Mushi, eh? Mushi, you cannot make this tea anymore. If more people know about it, we won't be able to afford it anymore!" The old man chuckled and ran a hand through his hair.

"Thank you very much, young man!" He beamed at us, and we all raised our glasses to toast him.

"Didn't you just move into our building?" Mei interjected.

"Yes, we're near the top. It's always good to meet new neighbours." Mushi leaned against the door frame and idly cleaned a glass with a dishtowel. "Don't be rude, nephew. Say hello to our new friends."

We all turned to look at him. The young man was glaring at us all, golden eyes taking stock of each of us in turn, seemingly sizing us up. His brow was furrowed and his lips pursed, and they barely moved as he growled, "hello" at us. Sun-Lee shuddered visibly. I raised my brows and cleared my throat, turning my full attention to the empty cup in my hand.

It was an inauspicious start. Mushi was a fine fellow by anyone's standards, but we all agreed that Li made our skin crawl. After leaving the teahouse, we all piled into Shu and Mei's flat and congregated around the still, the rice wine pouring in an unending stream as our senses blurred. Mei became tipsy enough to take out her biwa and play a tune for us, to which we all sang loudly and horrendously off-key. We were in the midst of our drunken romp when a knock at the door brought a swift halt to our revelry.

It was Li, holding a very large, steaming teapot. "My uncle thought you might enjoy some of his tea," he informed us. We blinked at him through a haze of drink. After several intensely silent moments, I finally grabbed his wrist and dragged him into the apartment. Shu crept over and stole the teapot away, replacing it with a warm cup of wine, which Li only stared at.

"It's for drinking, Li. You are old enough to drink, aren't you?" he said. Li fixed his scowl on Shu and downed the entire cup defiantly. He promptly choked on it, bringing a hearty laugh from all but Li, who was clutching his throat and gasping.

"Shu brews it a bit strong," I said. "Your throat may need a bit of time to adjust, especially if you've been drinking nothing but your uncle's tea."

"Ah, he's fine, aren't you, Li?" Shu clapped one of his massive hands on Li's back, causing him to choke again.

"It's nice to have a new face in the building. It's so rare that we meet anyone new anymore." Mei's voice was dreamy, and when I looked back at her she had a far-away, serene look on her face and her cheeks were bright and warm. She smiled wistfully and plucked casually at the strings of her biwa.

Shu slid into the seat opposite of Li and poured him another cup of wine. "So, Li, where are you from?" Shu's eyes narrowed and he leaned forward, his forearms resting on his thighs. Li sat up rigidly, one eyebrow raised, and swigged the wine Shu had poured for him. He didn't choke, but the look on his face was one of pure pain. Shu smirked.

"Oh, for the love of the gods!" Sun-Lee exclaimed, throwing herself onto the bed dramatically. "Are we going to be forced to watch a pissing contest between the two of you?" I chuckled and emptied my cup; Mei continued to draw stray notes from the biwa.

I put my hand on Shu's shoulder and, pouting, tipped my cup upside down to show him how abominably empty it was. "You know where the still is!" he bellowed. I gave him a quick smack upside the head.

"Get me some more to drink, you bloody oaf!" I thrust the cup at him. He gave me an overdramatic sigh and dragged himself to the still. I stole his seat the moment he vacated it.

I leaned toward Li and put my hand on his knee. "Don't mind Shu too much. He may seem like a loud, overbearing lout, but he improves upon better acquaintance."

"Hey, I simply like to know everything about my new friends."

"Yes, and nothing about your old ones," Sun-Lee mumbled.

"It's only because if I truly know them, I probably shouldn't want to be their friend at all!" He handed me a full cup and leaned against the edge of the table. "People are capable of such despicable things in these times."

"Yes, it can be a dangerous thing to really know your friends," Li said quietly, staring down at his cup. Shu tipped his glass in a small toast and drank deeply.

"Well, Li, you _are_ among friends here," I said. I poured half the contents of my cup into his and he smiled weakly at me. "And I daresay that you'll never know any of us at all if you don't drink!" I clinked my glass with his and waited for him to drink. He peered up at me, and the hardness that was usually there seemed overshadowed momentarily with some deep sadness. It vanished in an instant and he raised his glass.

"To new beginnings," he said. Even Mei stopped strumming then to raise her glass, and we all toasted, "To new beginnings!"

* * *

**Author's note**: Holy cow, we're actually getting into some dialogue! I'm sorry it's so long between updates, but I've been having a bit of a time figuring out the meat of the story...I have the end all worked out though! ^^;  
And, as a side note, I have no idea what instruments they would play in the Earth Kingdom. Lt. Jee played a pipa in one episode, but I like the biwa better, and the biwa is the pipa's cousin, so...there. :p  
And part of this dialogue was inspired by some Oscar Wilde. :)


	4. Chapter 4

"It's…a market." Sun-Lee stood beside me, clutching her coin purse to her chest and staring wide-eyed at the small wooden stalls that seemed to stretch on into infinity. Fruity, earthy smells drifted through the air, and people shouted their wares at the passersby.

"No more living just off of grain rations," I said quietly. My mind began to swim with fragments of old recipes. I could barely remember the taste of anything but grain. "Fresh fruit!"

"Plum wine!"

"Turtle-duck soup!"

We grinned at each other and darted off into the market. There were prickly skinned fruits that tasted sweet, tart candies, freshly butchered meats, and we had just had our week's wages handed to us not an hour before. An old woman flitted through the crowd with a basket of sweets. "Sesame sweets! Samples, samples!" She glided past us and deposited a small mound of white paste wrapped in rice paper in each of our hands. "Stall 42, please enjoy!" She winked at us both and disappeared into the crowd. I shrugged at Sun-Lee and popped the candy into my mouth.

"Ye gods, Sun-Lee, this is the best thing I've eaten in a year!" I licked the sticky candy residue off of my fingers, savoring the last bits of sweetness. Sun-Lee pressed the back of her hand to her forehead and gave a mock swoon.

"I love samples!" She laughed and danced off into the crowd, snatching samples from trays and baskets as she bounced along.

We each spent half a week's wages in the market, and we returned to the building laden with fruit and meat and bags of sweets. We made our way directly to the first floor kitchen and laid out our bounty before crashing through the cabinetry gathering pots and pans.

"Sweet, crazy gods, what have you done?" Mei exclaimed as she saw us.

"There's a new market!" I said, holding out handfuls of fresh figs.

"Yeah, it's pretty spectacular, despite the Dai Li agents every three feet," Sun-Lee said through a mouthful of sesame sweets. She held up a plate of sliced meat. "I'm making soup!"

"And I'm making salads, and desserts, and every good thing." I could hardly contain my happiness. The thought of good, delicious fare, the sweetness of fruits and the heartiness of meat, made my heart feel like it was about to burst from my chest.

Mei joined Sun-Lee and I in preparing our evening meal. We had bought enough to feed the entire building, but we knew that Shu would eat more than his fair share, and I was planning to eat as though I was preparing for a harsh winter. Soon enough, the earthy scents of meat and spices were wafting through the air, and Shu came stumbling into the room nose first. Sun-Lee slapped his hand away from a tray of smoked fish fillets.

"Not yet! It's almost ready, go sit down."

His eyes twinkled as he scanned over the food. "I'll go get the plates!" We all cringed at the crashing sounds in the cupboard that followed.

I spotted Li and Mushi's tired forms dragging past the kitchen as they came home from work. I darted out of the kitchen and grabbed Li by the wrist. "Stay, stay! We're feasting like fat princes tonight!" A smile twitched in the corner of Li's mouth, and Mushi beamed merrily at me.

"Of course we'll come! I'll need a moment to freshen up, though. Nephew, why don't you join your friends?" I thought I saw the old man wink at Li before vanishing up the stairs. I smiled at Li and took his hand.

"Come on, it should be ready soon. Sun-Lee wanted to make plum liqueur and I've made every sort of pastry imaginable." I moved to lead him into the room, but he tugged on my hand to stop me.

"I have something for you." He took a small, crinkled envelope out of his pocket and handed it to me. "I'm sorry I couldn't wrap it. Happy Birthday." He peered at me from behind his curtain of hair with one eyebrow raised.

I ran my finger along the top of the envelope. "May I open it now?" He nodded and released my hand.

I tipped the open envelope and a small golden locket tumbled into my hand. I stared at it for a moment. It was too extravagant, too expensive. I was just a poor girl in a machine shop. I opened my mouth a couple of times to speak, but all I could manage was to weakly whisper, "This is too much."

He took the necklace from my hand and draped it around my neck. A chill ran across my skin as his fingers brushed the hair from my shoulders. "I noticed you admiring it in a shop window a few weeks ago." He closed the clasp and ran his fingers through my hair to reposition it. I could feel the blush rising in my cheeks. I tried to keep looking down so he wouldn't notice. "Do you like it?"

"Of course I do." He smiled at me. It was warm, open, like I hadn't seen him smile before. I took his hand and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "I love it, thank you." I smiled as he blushed.

Mei came rushing into the hallway then, a cup of plum liqueur in her hand, a blush on her cheeks. "Li! Are you coming to dinner, too?" Li opened his mouth to answer, but she already had her arms around his neck in a sliding hug. "Yay! It's ready, you know! Kaede, your pastries are delicious!" She spun around and stumbled back into the kitchen.

"Hey, don't eat the pastries first!" I charged in after her and tackled her in her chair. We laughed together and she handed me a cup as I kissed her cheek. Li stood in the doorway with his hands clasped behind his back, surveying the revelry with a cool eye.

I slid away from Mei's drunken embrace and reached out for Li's hand. His expression softened a bit, and I led him to the table. He sat beside me as Sun-Lee and Shu busily set the dishes and spoons and heaping trays of food onto the table.

"I heard about what happened to you today," Shu said through a mouthful of pastry.

Mei suddenly looked very concerned and attempted to slide into an upright position. "_What happened?"_ She looked like she was about to cry.

Li waved his hands dismissively. "Nothing, just some crazy guy. He…uh…started shouting about the war. In the streets." The mood in the room abruptly changed.

"They carted him off, didn't they?" I said quietly. Li bowed his head and looked away from me.

"Yeah, they did."

"That's the sixth one in two days," Shu announced.

"Thank you, Shu, none of us had realized that on our own!" Sun-Lee yelled. She slammed a plate of fruit onto the table and glared at him.

Li placed his hand on mine. "I didn't want to say anything, I know how much it upsets you." His voice was low and hushed.

"Things are getting worse," Shu continued. He grabbed a cup and filled it with rice wine. "Next thing is one of us is going to disappear!"

"Don't say that!" Mei cried.

"It'll probably be you!" I held my breath and stared at Sun-Lee. Fire was burning in her cheeks. A hapless dishcloth was ensnared in her angry grip, and I could see her knuckles turning white. "Let's face it, Shu, you're the loudest, angriest, most disruptive of us all. If any of us were to suddenly vanish, it would most likely be you."

Mei was staring wide eyed at the scene, tears streaming down her cheeks. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. "Sun, we've all made our fair share of trouble, we all have equal chance of…going missing." I was trying to diffuse the situation, but my own words made my chest ache. I could see Sun-Lee's face wilt. Li's eyes were darting back and forth between us. I could remember him doing the same thing when we first met, as though he was trying to gauge who was a threat and who could be trusted. Mushi cleared his throat in the doorway.

"I thought you all might like some tea with dinner, so I brewed a fresh pot of jasmine." Mei rushed to him and threw her arms around his neck. He patted her back soothingly and led her back to the table. "There, there. There's nothing a good pot of tea can't fix." She seemed instantly soothed and comforted by the aroma alone. Mushi's tea was magic. "I suppose you all were talking about our little incident at the tea shop today?" Mei took a large swig of tea.

"We've already discussed it, Uncle." Li's voice had a harshness in it that he seemed to reserve exclusively for Mushi. I was always surprised with how severe he could sound when speaking to him. Mushi simply shrugged and sat down at the table.

"Fong vanished yesterday," I said quietly. "He lived next to me, never seemed to make any trouble. Then today, his room was empty and he was gone."

Sun-Lee sat down and ran her hand across her mouth. Mei shuttered. "Let's talk about something else," she whispered.

"Yes!" Li raised his glass and looked at me. "To food and friends. Sun, Kaede, it looks delicious. And Kaede, Happy Birthday." The table erupted with shouts of "why didn't you tell us?" and "Oo, happy birthday!" He gave me a small smile and we all drank to his toast.

The night passed with music and high spirits. The gloominess of earlier had been drowned in tea and plum wine, and we practically ate ourselves into unconsciousness. Mei and Mushi played instruments while the rest of us danced and sang.

When the night finally drew to a close, Li escorted me back to my room while the others stumbled toward their own homes. Despite the months spent with us, Li had never indulged as the rest of us had. He liked to stay cool and collected, but even so, there was a slight blush on his cheeks. He grinned at me as hair fell into his face, and we leaned against each other as we stumbled down the darkened hall. Our fumbling hands reached out in the darkness until we stumbled upon my door, which I leaned back against in an attempt not to fall down. Li braced himself with his hands on either side of my shoulders. His face hovered only inches from mine.

"Today was a good day," he whispered.

"It was." He leaned in and pressed a lingering kiss to my lips.

"Happy Birthday, Kaede."

I grinned up at him and pressed the latch to my room, sliding back as the door swung inward. "Goodnight, Li."


End file.
